Barry Bonds pled not guilty to charges of lying to federal investigators about taking steroids, and he did so by transmitting his not guilty plea to the judge and opposing counsel via a series of powerful electrical impulses emanating from his engorged skull. Bonds was a little shaky at the start of his telepathic attempt, accidentally short-circuiting a bailiff’s pacemaker and singeing the court reporter, but he quickly recovered, communicated the not guilty plea successfully, and then went so far as to telepathically file a complaint against the city for displaying a Nativity scene on one of its lawns. Prosecuters are already worried Bonds’ powers may increase to a dangerous stage and have asked Oprah to be ready to fight him in a telepathy duel if necessary. Oprah responded that she already sensed the request as early as last month, and has penciled in a “telepathic butt-whuppin’” soon as she’s done hypnotizing voters to switch to Barack Obama.

Despite getting booed more than a drunk bagpipe act on “Showtime At The Apollo,” the New York Knicks have given no indication whatsoever that head ‘coach’ Isiah Thomas’s job is in jeopardy. Sportalicious! reporters disguised as thugs looking for Mormon tourists have discovered that apparently the powers that be in the Knicks front office, who could actually make the correct move and fire Thomas, ate some bad scallops and slipped into a coma sometime in, oh, let’s make it mid-2006. Doctors say the coma is nearly as deep as the one the Knicks themselves have been in for a decade. Said one booing fan who was treated for neck exhaustion, “The g&#dam Westminster Kennel Club Show can’t get here soon enough.”