Despite having one arm ripped off at the shoulder and and minus both legs which were infected and subsequently cut off in order to save his life, Green Bay Packers starting quarterback Brett Favre announced he will start this coming Sunday at Lambeau Field against the Oakland Raiders. “Honestly, I feel pretty good,” said Favre, typing onto a computer screen by blowing into a straw attached to his wheelchair. “My one hand has a little tinglin’ to it, but---ach---could you tell the guy next to you to get off my oxygen hose?” Favre added he wanted to stay in the Dallas game but head coach Mike McCarthy sat him down after extrapolating out Favre’s first-quarter stats and realizing the qb would finish 7 of 20 for a 176 yards, 0 touchdowns and 8 interceptions. Said John Madden, “One-handed, legless and breathing through a tube, Brett Favre is better than 90% of the starting quarterbacks in the NFL.” Added Al Michaels, “You’ve gone stark raving mad, your breath stinks, and I need a pinwheel of Vicodin just to stay in the same booth with you.”

After both #1 Missouri and #2 West Virginia lost this past weekend, all belts and shoelaces of the Bowl Championship Series selection officials were confiscated and they were put on 24-hour suicide watch at NCAA headquarters in Overland Park, Kansas. Mood stabilizers from the Amy Winehouse Collection have been flown in by military chopper, and an NCAA source indicated that a former NORAD bunker deep in the hills of western Nebraska has been retrofitted and stocked with four months of supplies and will function as a safehouse for the committee members after they were forced at gunpoint to decide which teams play where in January. “I’ll miss Christmas, the birth of my first child, and fresh air,” said one, “oh, God in Heaven, what is this beast that we have wrought?! Shackled mercilessly to a mediocrity only the meddlesome arrogance of Man could have created, I can at best wait the days til the sweet song of death releases me.” As he boarded the camouflage bus he turned weakly from the door and added, “But seriously, Hawai’i’s schedule was pretty weak.”