Home run *king* Barry Bonds held a press conference from the hot tub of Ryan Klesko’s hunting lodge in Colorado to state that he has never to his knowledge intentionally been charged with four counts of perjury and one count of obstruction of justice. “I may have rubbed an indictment on my arms and legs accidentally while bathing or toning my skin,” said Bonds, “but other than that, I can honestly say my criminal career is untainted by any sort of official illegal act.” Bonds added, “Look, I’m just following the advice of my lawyers and they have explained to me that a person as rich as me isn’t subject to most of these laws anyway. Oprah told me the other night that the courts are for, like, regular people who have to work and s$%t. Besides, I have an idea what obstruction is, but perjury is just an eating disorder, right?”

The Michigan Wolverines announced they have held back personnel and schemes in their last two regular season losses so they could be better prepared for their upcoming bowl game loss. Sportalicious! Reporters disguised as Lloyd Carr pallbearers uncovered this Michigan bowl prep schedule: Now through Thanksgiving: complain about low national ranking. Thanksgiving Saturday: over-estimate bowl destination and watch TV games sizing up wrong opponent. December 3rd: schedule Mike Hart news conference to guarantee win over Missouri. Dec. 7th: discover Missouri is in a way, way better bowl game. Dec. 8th: Hart holds press conference to guarantee win over “fill in the blank.” Dec. 9th, 11am: set travel arrangements for Florida via Priceline. Dec. 9th, 8pm: Unsuccessfully beg Priceline for refund after realizing bowl destination is not Florida. Dec. 10-27th: Hold what all Michigan people agree are fantastic practices. Dec. 28th: get bitch-slapped in the Insight.com Bowl by South Florida.