The space shuttle Discovery returned last week from a successful mission in which it recalibrated the New England Patriots spy satellite, added possible playoff coordinates to the GPS system and also replaced the camera lenses with newer, higher-powered Chinese ones. “They’re soaked in lead,” said NASA spokesman Gene Wojtewicz, who asked to remain nameless, “but what the f*$k, nobody’s lickin’ em!” Added Wojtewicz, “These bastards are so hot we were able to get a shot of Denver coach Mike Shanahan’s laminated play-call sheet, and you’re not gonna believe this – it’s f&%ckin’ menu from Chili’s!” With a special “sun mirror” attachment installed by the shuttle crew, the new high-powered lenses also have the ability to burn pinpoint holes in things like a magnifying glass. “This so f*$ckin’ rocks, I’m makin’ mojitos! You in, bro?” At that point a different NASA spokesman administered a handkerchief of chloroform to Wojtewicz and rolled the limp former spokesman off stage, adding, “We had a big meeting Monday and asked our spokesmen to loosen up a bit, but obviously Gene’s dropped off a cliff here.”

An actual dolphin came out of the Miami Harbor yesterday claiming to be an elected spokesman for all dolphins and held a press conference to distance the species from the NFL’s winless Miami Dolphins. “Look, I don’t even have legs and I can run a down-and-out better than these “a*%holes,” said Spatz, a 7-year-old dolphin from a school just off Grand Nassau in the Bahamas. “If the Indians – check that, I mean, ‘Native Americans,’ I don’t wanna get in any freakin’ trouble here – if they can make a big stink about teams not using their names because it’s all derogatory and s#%t, why the f%&k not dolphins? I mean seriously, Miami SUCKS, dude. I haven’t gotten laid in two months just from the residual bad vibe.” Spatz, whose flippers have broad white stripes on them resembling cute ‘animal’ spats, then lit a cigarette and ordered a margarita. “Who’s callin’ the offensive plays, Ronnie Milsap? Hah? Is that a ‘blind’ reference or what? Dolphins are way beyond hack references like Helen Keller or Stevie Wonder. Hey, can you give me a lift to South Beach? This downtown area is all tight-ass and s*&t.”