Sportalicious reporters disguised as Constitution signee re-enactors say that beleaguered Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid will open a nation-wide chain of drug emporiums in ‘08, with the first to open in Washington, D.C. in March and fronted by former D.C. mayor Marion Barry. The Philadelphia judge who sentenced both of Reid’s sons to 23 months in prison and initially called Reid’s house a ‘drug emporium’ is suing for copyright infringement but indicated he would settle out of court if offered the north Philadelphia franchise. A New York firm hired to design the brick and mortar structures indicated they would be a cross between a Restoration Hardware and a Hong Kong opium den, and that they would be ‘true’ to the initial court discovery in Philly, with each room in the Emporium mirroring the Reid house by featuring illegal and prescription drugs scattered all over every room. The list of initial store locations include hard-core ghetto spots, like Bedford-Stuyvesant in New York, Cabrini Green in Chicago, and Compton, California, but also Aspen, Miami’s South Beach, Wall Street, the U.S. Congressional offices, and a one-of-a-kind Winnebago “Rolling Emporium” that will travel LA’s Sunset Strip on Friday and Saturday nights.

Last week when George Steinbrenner’s sons, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, made the offhand comment that slugger Alex Rodriguez wouldn’t leave the New York Yankees because he’d “rather go into the Hall of Fame as a Yankee than a Toledo Mud Hen,” the Mud Hens did something extraordinary in the pro sports world: they showed a sense of humor. Within 24 hours the Hens’ brass put together an ‘offer sheet’ for A-Rod and shipped it to A-Rod’s agent, and, shrewdly, several media outlets. On the same week the Steinbrenners made a mess of letting Joe Torre go, the Mud Hens’ move was the perfect way to flip a ‘double hook’ to George the First and his dunderheaded sidekicks. For that simple act of actual wry humor, I’ll wager Mud Hens execs will have to be as wary as Tony Soprano when starting their cars. So here’s to you, Toledo – thank you for having the guts to treat sports not as a religion but as a form of entertainment. Just wear the Kevlar vests for a month or so.