This year’s World Series between the Boston Red Sox and the Colorado Rockies, while seemingly satisfying the minimum requirement for a seven-game series by lasting four games, did not in actuality meet network television requirements for length. “Oh, God in heaven,” said a frazzled Fox marketing exec, “we have at least eight Quizno’s spots and a Subaru block that haven’t seen the light of day, plus the whole new University of Phoeniz campaign. What the hell happened to Helton’s bat, for chrissake?!” Apparently there is a bylaw on the official baseball books that states in addition to going a minimum four games, a World Series must go at least 18 TV hours. The Bosox dispatched the Rockies in about 13 hours, “though it seemed like ten minutes, THANK you, Torrealba,” said the weeping exec. The commercials will now have to be run during “Til Death” and the companies refunded 85% of their initial payout.

“I couldn’t even stand ‘em anymore.” So began the press conference of comedian Dane Cook, who said he pleaded with the five stations airing baseball this fall – TBS, Fox, the now-defunct Outdoor Life, the Food Channel and TVLand – to at least pare down the promos from 175 a day to 30 or so. “If you see anything that often, it will make you sick,” said Cook, “with the possible exception of Angelina Jolie, am I right, YouTubers?” Cook said the commercial’s director used a ‘take’ of the spot when he was just trying to warm up his voice and test his range, adding, “I actually wore a way better t-shirt for the official ‘shoot’ and I pronounced the word ‘October’ in a cooler, more fantastic way, I thought. But the commercial director tricked me. Did he not see me act with Kevin Costner? Bastard.” Cook added he would have his army of 14 billion MySpacers shut down the director’s web page by flooding it with jpegs of Cook’s hand symbol.