Despite NBC’s continuing insistence to the contrary, a new survey indicates that Sunday night is NOT ‘football night’ in America, but rather, “Crap, I Gotta Go To Work In The Morning” Night In America. Saturday is still “Poker Night” In America, Friday is still “Maybe I’ll Get Laid” Night, Thursday is, oddly, still “Must See TV Night” In America, Wednesday is “Internet Porn Night” In America, Tuesday is “Lacrosse Night” in America, and Monday is, “Which Bills Are Overdue?” Night In America. Of course September thru May is still considered “Hockey Night” In Canada. “We will still continue to call Sunday ‘Football Night In America,’” said an NBC spokesman, “and we’re gonna keep calling it that until we jam it down America’s g$%d$# throat, got it?”

Nearly half the St. Paul police force and a squad of Minnesota State Troopers rushed to surround the Excel Center in downtown St. Paul last week, sirens blaring and weapons drawn, after reports of a massive breach in security at the arena raised concerns of a possible terrorist action. What had actually happened was the beginning of the National Hockey League season. “Really?!” said State Trooper spokesman Orv Lundquist, “First week of October?! No S*%t?! I mean hell, ey, I’m a hockey fan, but I’m still tryin’ to golf, for cripe sakes. Can’t they wait til around Thanksgivin’? Vikings’ll be out of it by then.” A spokesman for the NHL Said, “We will continue to start our season in mid-autumn and we’re gonna keep doing that until we jam it down America’s g$%d$# throat, got it?”