With its sudden and unlikely rise to #2 in the first Bowl Championship Series poll, officials from the University of South Florida are scrambling this week in a desperate attempt to keep pace with the fame of the football team and become a fully accredited school. “Aw, hell-damn!” said acting school president Buzzy-Joe Pritchard, “We was just kinda rollin’ along with some tequila and Cubans and havin’ a good ol’ time and now we find out we gotta have crap like ‘deans’ and ‘housing,’ and our perfesser people gotta have gone to college themselves! What is that?! They’re in college now, how come they gotta show they was in it 20 years ago?!” Pritchard, who is officially listed as “USF’s shady fundraiser,” stepped in as president when former president Tommy Jack Duquesne was convicted on racketeering charges involving the alligator skin black market and had to turn himself in to law enforcement officials at the Apalachee Correctional Institution. The school can no longer use a p.o. box as its main address and must drop its “Dancing for Gentlemen’s Clubs” major.

After jamming promos for the New England-Dallas NFL game down our throats 24/7 for a week and sliding teasers every six minutes into the lower left hand corner of the screen on everything from “The Big Bang Theory” to “Meet The Press,” CBS then essentially failed to show this early season marquee matchup on the west coast. Not that I didn’t enjoy watching Daunte Culpepper fumble fourteen times as Oakland lost to San Diego, not that I didn’t get to sit back and think, “Wow, either of these two teams could win the mediocre AFC West this year,” not that I didn’t have the time to weigh facts like, “the Chargers are the only pro team that can really pull off powder blue,” and, “Jim Nantz looks old,” but maybe CBS could have TOLD ME they weren’t televising it to SoCal. Then I wouldn’t have wasted 45 minutes trying to find it on one of my other satellite channels, screaming at my TV the whole time, “What the f#$% do they call ‘Outdoor Life Network’ now?! I will never watch ‘How I Met Your Mother’ again! Die, CBS!”