COZAD GETS A SEVEN-SPOT
Mitch Cozad, the Northern Colorado reserve punter convicted of stabbing the starter in the leg so he could move up the depth chart, got sentenced to seven years in prison last week.Jeff Cez: Some advice for our young, collegiate thigh-stabber Mitch – in prison, when they talk about your “drop zone,” it’s got nothing to do with punting. Ditto for “hang time,” “coffin corner” and “soft balls.” You know what? You might be better off killing a guard and going for solitary.
SURVEY: 0% SHOCKED JONES TOOK STEROIDS
Marion Jones admitted she took steroids before the 2000 Sydney Olympics. Jeff Cez: I’ve said this on Jim Rome and I’ll repeat it here – I get football or baseball jocks trying steroids because performance is tied to the ol’ palmgrease, jack, but track? You have to sweep fifteen races in Belgium and Netherlands to make your airfare and maybe get a Carb Bar endorsement, and you’re going to risk the family jewels dropping into a cigar cannister for eternity over that? Oy.
‘GUYS NAMED ISIAH’ VOTE TO KEEP MOUTHS SHUT
New York Knicks coach and former All Star Isiah Thomas was convicted of sexual harrassment of a Knicks front office employee and the Knicks were ordered to pay over $11 million dollars in damages.Jeff Cez: Eleven Mil? Does this mean they’re not going to have enough money to bring 42-year-old Muggsy Bogues out of retirement to run the offense? Aw hell, there goes the Starbury Intern Hush Money Fund! What’s the over-under on Isiah getting fired but getting yet ANOTHER shot with a different NBA franchise? If it’s three years, I’ll take the under. He should've learned from Isiah Washington - keep the trap shut at work.
CARROLL MISSES LUNCH WITH DEVIL, STANFORD BEATS USC
Despite gaining roughly 250 yards for the entire game, the Stanford Cardinal found a way to storm back in the fourth quarter and beat the vaunted USC Trojans at the Coliseum, 24-23.Jeff Cez: Ring. Ring. “Daddy? Hi. It’s Millicent. I don’t want my Beemer anymore because I drove it to the game and they lost. It’s bad luck. It’s cursed. You don’t want me to die or anything, right? I want to trade it in on the new convertible. I don’t think Pete Carroll is very good anymore. Wait, you want ME to drive it to the dealer? Can’t you send Lester to do all that? It would be SOOOO much more comfy if I just woke up and looked out my window and there it was! ‘kay. Bye.”
