At a press conference in New York City Monday, a border collie named Elmo, flanked by two Mastiffs in black suits, announced that showdogs will take advantage of high-profile dog abuse cases like Michael Vick’s and strike the Westminster Kennel Club show this coming February unless demands regarding better treatment are met. Here is the official list of Dog Demands: 1 – Working dog category? Guess what, forcing someone’s ass off the couch and slobbering are now considered “work.” 2 – Anything under three pounds will have to move to the Westminster Rat Show. 3 – Judges: from now on, a visual check of our balls will suffice, amigo, no grabbing and holding. 4 – You stick a finger in my mouth, it’s mine. 5 – Lose the guy who drones on with the intros. Can’t we get a DJ? 6 – More ladies’ bathrooms. 7 – How about a talent show? Why does it always have to be about looks? 8 – Tell Hollywood we want a say in who dubs our voices. Enough of David Faustino and his C-list buddies, okay?

The Chicago Cubs, whose lone claim to fame this baseball season was that they slumped less pathetically than the Milwaukee Brewers, were bounced straight out of the playoffs by the Arizona Diamondbacks. The series was over quicker than Sunday Mass in Las Vegas. It was over so fast Cub manager Lou Piniella didn’t even have enough time to find a good place to throw a tantrum. During the ninth inning of Game Three at Wrigley, a fan actually shouted from the bleachers, “I’m not even DRUNK yet, ya bastards! At least go to extra innings!” I loved the panning shots of Cub fans in the stands – their faces were more pained than anyone at an Amy Winehouse intervention. Someone has to bring this up, so let it be me: Perhaps Steve Bartman is owed a MAJOR APOLOGY for sparing Cub fans some of this torture in 2003. He did it for YOU, Chicago!