U.S. women’s soccer goalie Hope Solo has been sent to detention in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, for an undisclosed period of time, where she will be ‘debriefed’ by intelligence officers experienced in ego penetration. Solo is the talented young goalie who was benched by American coaches in favor of 35-year-old veteran Briana Scurry for the match against the Brazilians, only to see the Americans get pummeled like the premier of “Cavemen,” though not particularly due to Scurry’s play. Despite the fact she only did what her coach told her to do, Scurry then became the unfortunate victim of a bitter post-game rant from Solo that would’ve had Dennis Miller saying, “Back off the fuel boost, Cha Cha, Bree’s a resident of your own zipcode.” The next day Solo then ‘apologized’ less sincerely than the Soviets when they invaded Hungary, and also claimed she’d been misquoted despite the fact her entire rant was recorded uninterrupted on videotape, a tactic Karl Rove didn’t even have the nuts to try. Solo is expected to be released from Gitmo in a week, or possibly two years.

The New York Mets did an incredible impression of the Sands Casino implosion when they blew a seven-game lead with only seventeen games left and lost the NL East division to the Philadelphia Phillies. And for the next five years, on Sirius Radio’s Howard Stern Show, Yankee fan Artie Lange will browbeat Met fan Gary Dell’Abate like a Japanese businessman at a Midtown dominatrix dungeon. Heather Mills has more agility than any Met infielder and Paulie Walnuts is quite frankly, better with a bat. This just in – Mr. Met is officially going to Sweden for a sex change. And so, New York Mets, try to enjoy your off-season, despite knowing that between now and spring training every barista in the city will try to spit in your ice-blended frappuccino.