The Chicago Cubs lead the NL Central race on the last week of the season over the second-place Milwaukee Brewers and appear headed for the playoffs, shocking not only their fans but the Cubs themselves. Sportalicious reporters disguised as handcart operators hauling Alfonso Soriano’s money to his locker claim the Cub roster was evenly split on how to choke away the division lead, with half the players in favor of a pitching staff blowup focused on the middle relievers and the other half dead set on a brutal hitting slump especially with men on base. Told he could break the deadlock with his vote, manager Lou Piniella said, “NOBODY tells me what to do!” and proceeded to throw everything under 12 ounces out of the dugout, including wristbands, lip balm and four half-eaten bags of sunflower seeds. The Cubs have no choice but to keep winning until arbitrator Steve Bartman makes a decision.

This past Sunday, Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre, who will be 38 years old next month, tied the NFL touchdown tosses record of 420 in a 31-24 victory over the San Diego Chargers. That’s right, 38 years old. While other 38-year-old men are staring at a 70-pound jar of stuffed green olives waiting for the wife to decide between two different Marshall Amp-sized packages of toilet paper at Costco, Favre’s setting records. While other 38-year-old men have to listen to a stream of time-share white noise they never intend on using in a million years just so they can squeeze out a free two day-stay for them and the missus at the Flamingo in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi, Favre’s setting records. While other men waste their Sundays writing idiot jokes and metaphors for their sportsblog that they’re constantly reminded is not making anyone any money, Favre’s setting records. Here’s to you, Brett Favre, ya bastard!