The New England Patriots, while admitting to no actual guilt in spying controversies with both the New York Jets and Philadelphia Eagles, announced they have video evidence of Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts. In a raucous press conference that nonetheless had tasty browny treats in the back, Bill Belichick said, “He’s in a cave in western Pakistan, at what is in that region considered to be essentially the corner of 3rd and Main. And that’s all I’ll say about it until I get assurances from our government and the NFL that we have a clear path to the playoffs. Now, anyone have any football questions?” No one had any football questions at that point. “I am not talking about the spying thing anymore, so, unless there’s a question about the 4-2-5 defense we experiment with for two plays or Brady’s snap-audible in the second quarter, this press conference is—“ At that point, Belichick was whisked away by 19 guys in suits, shades and earpieces. Assistant head coach Dante Scarnecchia will lead the team this coming Sunday against the Buffalo Bills.

OJ Simpson has been arrested by Las Vegas police in connection with the armed robbery of a collector OJ insisted had obtained some Simpson memorabilia illegally. First off – wow, how great a town is Vegas? Really! Last week it hosts the MTV Video awards with Britney Spears hobbling around like Judy Garland after a divorce, then this week, you’re sittin’ there calmly working through your Bob Dancer video poker system at the bank of eight 25-cent Deuces progressive machines near the front door, with the jackpot over $1300, and ten Vegas cops march OJ SIMPSON out the door right past you. And next week is Pimps & Ho’s Weekend, with chicks dressed, literally, in just bras and thongs. Plus, there’s now a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf inside like, four different casinos. And ample free parking everywhere. This is a town, ladies and gentlemen. In a related story, OJ may attempt a followup book entitled, “Oops, I Did It Again.”