University of Michigan tailback Michael Hart, his eyes bulging from pride or perhaps from gas caused by eating too much exhaust the last two weeks, guaranteed a roomful of media Saturday that the 0-2 Wolverines would beat 0-2 Notre Dame this weekend. This was a bold statement even though there are at least three high schools named Notre Dame that are currently ranked above the University of Notre Dame in most football categories. The Irish had better rushing yardage – zero – before the season opened than they do now – minus-8, and in fact, the prime minister of Ireland has inquired if there was another nickname the Irish could possibly use “until things turn around a wee bit.” He suggested “Canadians” or “Bulldogs.” Actually, your grandmother just held a press conference to say HER grandmother and ten friends could beat the Irish. Excuse me, the Canadians. If it weren’t for Britney Spears ‘song’ at the MTV Video Awards Sunday, Michigan would’ve been the most embarrassing thing on TV this weekend.

That one really incredible tennis player from somewhere in Europe or maybe Argentina, who’s only lost once in like a bazillion years, he won a bunch of times in a row and beat that Portugese guy they’re pretending is his arch-nemesis and won the U.S. Open, which, a lot of people don’t know, is played on gravel. Tricky surface. But this Winner Guy, my wife thinks he’s cute, he can play on virtually any surface, perhaps even the surface of the moon. They stuck him in a TV ad with Tiger Woods and some soccer guy so that Americans would start to get to know his name, but instead most Americans just see the ad and say, “Why are those two underwear models in an ad with Tiger Woods?” Federale! That’s it – Roberto Federale.