A legal consultant admitted Sunday that Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, who has pled guilty to dogfighting charges and has been battered in the press, had no clue white people would feel this way about dogs. Said Terrence Null, a member of Vick’s legal team who asked to remain nameless, “The difference as I now understand it seems to be two things – one, in some parts of the country, dog fighting is still considered a fun Sunday activity, and two, apparently in some segments of the black community, a dog is still considered a working animal. I’ve been told you will rarely see a black man or woman just walking their dog for pleasure. You will, however see a black man yell, ‘Hey King! Get those kids out of the yard!’ or ‘Jaws, that guy tried to break into my car, get him!’ and see the dog respond positively and essentially, um, go to work.” In related news, the Falcons are trying to retrieve $22 million dollars out of Vick’s $130 million dollar contract. “Really? $22 mil?” said a confused pit bull trainer, “I mean, man, you gotta love dogs way, way a lot to want $22 mil back.”

Comic legend Bill Murray was yanked over by Swedish police for driving a golf cart under the influence – the rare “DCI.” Murray was in Sweden to play golf with friends in a Swedish golf tourney, then apparently drove the cart to a restaurant where he ate dinner and it appears, continued to 'fill the tank.' Okay, maybe what Murray did was not technically within the law, but at that point – you’re BILL MURRAY, what’s he supposed to do, leave the golf cart THERE?! Call a cab? Do you realize what that would do to his reputation, Mr. Swedish Police Officer? Bill Murray can’t leave a golf cart parked out in front of a Swedish steak joint, he just CAN’T. It’s against all laws of the universe. He walks away from that cart, the Dark Star descends and our souls are sucked into the mouth of the giant Vortex Snake for eternity. It’s OVER. And while we're on it, is that even a fair fight? The cops are in a Saab with an F-16 aircraft engine in it and the pollution devices ripped out, and Murray’s in a golf cart with a 6mph-regulator on it. Lesson learned - never golf in Sweden!