KIFFIN BECOMES “RAIDER WHISPERER”
Oakland Raider head coach Lane Kiffin returned to practice after two days of hospitalization due to a viral infection, but he was ordered by doctors not to yell or exert energy.Jeff Cez: That’s like telling Pacman Jones, “you can go to a strip club, but don’t get in a fight and shoot someone.” It’s the RAIDERS, doc – they’d have Deepak Chopra swearing like a longshoreman before breakfast.
BENGALS HAVE FIRST-EVER MAXIMUM SECURITY TRAINING CAMP
The felon-speckled lineup of the Cincinnati Bengals has somehow remained trouble-free for over two months. Unfortunately, they are 0-2 in pre-season NFL action.Jeff Cez: Tough looking up from your blocking sled and seeing concertina wire topping the walls of your training facility. But - should we not be thanking the nobly immoral gentlemen in the tiger helmets for being the flaming torch that allowed us to see the future, filled with dog-fighting and stripper gun battles and multi-car police chases featuring blowout spike strips? And by their actions, allowing us to be INURED to the bacchanalia? When we cut a Bengal, does he not bleed red? And cut you back far more severely? And then sit down and watch “Showbiz Tonight?” Shame on you, America.
15-YEAR-OLD KICKS ASS
Female teen gymnast Shawn Johnson stomped the competition by over three points in the overalls at the U.S. Gymnastics Championships last weekend.Jeff Cez: That’s as bad as Ali/Wepner. She should be married to the other three Spice Girls. That is a stunning performance. Of course, there’s a 50-50 chance the normal adolescent growth process will render Shawn an over-the-hill gymnasti-hag by next year’s Olympics, but I’m sure some brave trainer is spiking her Peanut Butter Capn’ Crunch with some liquid hormon quelcher from the Ukraine as we speak.
