San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds saved all his record-breaking theatrics for the home crowds at AT&T-Cingular-Inexplicable-Surcharge-On-My-Bill Ballpark, Hitting four bleacher shots last week to cruise past Henry Aaron, 758 to 755. Aaron has been in a shockingly long slump since his retirement. As for Barry, nothing like a little home cookin’ using a little Balco ‘olive oil’ to settle the tense slugger down. The accomplishment rated 27th on a list of “Exciting Moments In Baseball,” just behind “All Star Game Declared A Tie” and well behind “Squirrel Loose In Outfield,” “Rick Dempsey Performs During Rain Delay,” and “That Drunk Father-Son Team Who Came Out Of The Stands At White Sox Park And Beat Up That Kansas City Royals’ First-Base Coach.” Bonds’ Giants teammates wisely disguised their rabid enthusiasm for their slugging buddy by greeting him at home plate with all the excitement of an English Lit department welcoming a new poetry TA. Bonds has next set his sights on Ty Cobb’s Unlikeability record.

Barry Bonds historic 756th home run ball, which broke puny regular man Hank Aaron’s mark of 755, was caught in the right-center field bleachers by a New York Met fan who was only at the game because he had a one-day layover on his way to Australia. Matt Murphy, a 22-year-old New Yorker who quite frankly, seemed pretty well lit, came up with the ball in what would normally be described as a scary mob scene but in San Francisco is described as a scary Fetish Ball scrum. Bonds connected off Washington Nationals pitcher Mike Bacsik, who will go down in history as… one of the pitchers victimized by ‘roided up sluggers. Trust me, no one from the Nationals is going down in history for anything. The ball is valued at 1/6 the amount paid for Mark McGwire’s monkey-testosterone-fuelled 62nd homer in 1998, which broke puny regular man Roger Maris’s single season record. Well, Giants fans, it could have been worse – Tommy Lasorda could have caught it. In the folds of his once-again giant tummy. And not known it for three days.