The Iraqi national soccer squad beat Saudi Arabia 1-0 to win its first-ever Asian Cup Sunday. Iraqi men poured into the streets of Baghdad to celebrate in the time-honored tradition of firing guns at Americans. Of course, Iraqi women are not considered smart enough by Iraqi men to understand the complicated concept of a soccer game victory and were thus forced to stay inside, stew in the stench of their own black clothing sweat, and shut up. The Iraqi team will receive a ticker tape parade in Baghdad if a road can be found with no explosive devices on it. Meanwhile the disgraced Saudis will return home to Riyadh and be forced to move from their $10-million dollar homes built on the oil profits squeezed from American consumers into $2-million dollar homes built on the oil profits squeezed from Canadian and European consumers.

Alberto Contador, the 24-year-old Spanish phenom, captured the yellow jersey, emblematic of drug test pee, and claimed the 94th running of the Tour De France this past Sunday. Contador excelled at all three gruelling phases of the time-honored race – the sprints, the mountain climbs, and the Peeing. The always-tough Peeing Phase knocked out Danish race leader Michael Rasmussen, who led after the mountain climbs and most of the sprints, but failed to show up to pee for either of his last two tests and was sent home on a EuRail pass with nothing but a roll of Mentos. While the Tour sprints average 30 miles and the mountain climbs and road races can reach upwards of ninety miles, the Peeing Phase is now nicknamed “The Toughest Twenty Yards In Sports.” Just ask Kazakhstan’s Alexandre Vinokourov, whose A and B urine samples both were tainted with dope, and who handled his ‘clean’ urine bought on eBay bare-handed so often that it too, tested positive.