Several college and pro teams have announced that Walmart’s new “Talking Jesus” doll will be incorporated at the center of all pre- and post-game illegal prayer circles forced on teams by their coaches, many of whom found God only after getting caught committing NCAA rules infractions or boffing an Athletic Department secretary. Talking Jesus, which currently speaks phrases like, “Bless you,” “You can rely on prayer,” and the similar uplifting sayings, will be amended to include more specific football phrases like, “Evolution is for losers,” “The only thing I want you to abort is their offense,” “Just remember, the devil has the under,” “34 Toss Power Trap on Three or you go straight to Hell,” “What Would Jesus Do? What Do You Think? Score, pinhead,” and “Don’t be praisin’ me if you can’t get it done.”

The FBI is investigating allegations that NBA referee Tim Donaghy bet on basketball games over the past two seasons, including ones in which he officiated. To quote Marv Albert, Yesssssssssss! I would encourage more refs to toss the kids’ college fund at a bookie with both zest and carelessness, and the sooner the better – the ’07-’08 season is perilously close, zebras! Come on, what better way to make the 2nd and 3rd quarters of a Charlotte Hornets-Milwaukee Bucks tilt absolutely RIVETING! The whole season could revolve around a rigged lane violation call on Yi Jianlian. It makes the Bataan Death March that is the NBA season somewhat tolerable – not only can you bet on a game, you could bet on which ref is betting on the game. Refs will have their own MySpace page and offshore betting site housed in a black-and-white striped former Naval destroyer.