Just when it appeared the Hollywood media machine was on the verge of complete collapse, David – and more importantly, apparently – Victoria Beckham sacrificed everything to move from Britain to Los Angeles and become the savior of inane publicity worldwide. “We were completely out of vacant-headedness after Paris Hilton got out of jail,” said publicist Margy Bundt-Vanillas, who herself had just gotten out of jail for mowing down 31 people on a Miami beach with her jetski. “We were tragically close to having to actually report, like, real news or something, when Posh Spice filled the hole with her magnificent emptiness. And oh yeah, her husband does something too, doesn’t he?” A 24-hour special is slated for Thursday to cover Posh’s closet, and wall-to-wall coverage of what sconces Posh will pick for their barbecue island will begin Friday.

The Oklahoma Sooners have to forfeit 8 wins from the 2005 campaign because of NCAA charges the school failed to monitor the phantom employment of two of its players at a local auto dealership. But really, when you think about it, who wouldn’t want to avoid the grueling, near-torturous work you find at, uh, an auto dealership? Do you know how hot the inside of a Lexus gets when you’re in charge of moving it eight feet? And don’t even start on brochure sorting. If you measured the effectiveness of an institution by the brain function of its boosters, Oklahoma would be ranked below the University of Phoenix mail-order house. I think the first-ever NCAA violation way back in 1898 occurred when a Sooner booster paid a kid to not work at his stagecoach dealership. Next time, get Rhett Bomar to show up and run a cheesecloth over a Dodge fender, for godsake. Oh wait, it was probably possum-hunting season. That’s a tough call.