Due to overwhelming fan support in the All-Star game host city, San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds huge cranium will start for the National League in Tuesday’s star-studded game and play the first inning. The head will be operated by a team from George Lucas’s nearby Industrial Light and Magic and will feature a mitt hanging from Bonds’ right ear that will hopefully allow him to catch any fly balls that come his way. The ball will then funnel through the massive, natural ear canal and into a modified t-shirt cannon implanted in Bonds’ mouth, which will be triggered by remote control and will allow the head to hit the cutoff man if need be. A series of booster jets will allow Bonds to navigate a fair amount of outfield turf and get him into and out of the dugout. Bonds’ body will replace the head when it’s Bonds turn to bat and will then play an additional two innings; the body is apparently used to working on its own without the head.

San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker wed actress Eva Longoria in Paris, and WE’VE got the exclusive photos no one else has been able to get! A Sportalicious! Photographer disguised as an Arab diplomat entered the wedding unfettered and snapped these incredible shots. You can almost smell the sweat as the NBA crowd collides with the Prime Time Ratings-Troubled Melodrama crowd – a publicist’s nirvana! Eat this, London tabloids!