Tennessee Titans’ suspended defensive back Pacman Jones is returning to Las Vegas, but not just for some court appearances – he’ll soon be making showbiz debut in Sin City. At a press conference featuring over 70 nearly naked women held in a silo-sized hot tub, The Palms Hotel announced Jones will be headlining one of its showrooms with a variety/musical review called “My Way, You Muthas,’ a two-hour extravaganza featuring performances by Jones, nearly-naked women, and special guests. A press release from his publicist said Jones will do a mini-monologue “in the vein of Katt Williams,” then do several musical numbers built around a strip club theme. Songs will include, “Hey Girl, That Tip Was Just A Loan,” “Why I Gotta Feel So Lonely On Sundays?” “It Wasn’t Me, It Was My Entourage,” and the rousing closer, “Roger Goodell Can Kiss My Ass.” If the show draws well, and by drawing well we mean many, many nearly naked women, Jones will expand to four nights a week. Pam Anderson will play his nutritionist.

Windy Hagar, a 16-year-old teen on the South Brunswick, North Carolina, high school track team, wed her coach, 40-year-old Brenton Wuchae. The two began, “interval training” when she was a 14-year-old freshman and advanced to “windy sprints” the following year. The relationship progressed to full-on “broad jumping” during this most recent season. Wuchae, who oddly enough, is NOT from the deepest, scariest hills of Kentucky, is not quite sure himself how to pronounce his last name. The couple will honeymoon at a Kelly Clarkson concert. In a related story, the ACLU is demanding the immediate release of all 127 female teachers nationwide who have been incarcerated on charges of having sex with a male minor.