DUKE DA BENCHED
North Carolina DA Mike Nifong will be disbarred for his handling of the Duke lacrosse case.Jeff Cez: Well, it’s official: DA offices attract the worst lawyers ever. They can hardly keep Paris Hilton in jail, for godsake. I based a LOT OF RUDE JOKES on the strength of Nifong’s feeble, politically motivated case, and for that alone he should have to take twenty lacrosse balls to the head. I say good day to you, sir!
SPURS: MOST MUNDANE DYNASTY EVER!
The San Antonio Spurs won their fourth NBA title in 9 years, beating the Cleveland Cavaliers in four straight.Jeff Cez: Could one of these guys get high on mojitas and Xanax and take a zamboni out in public? Or at least get nailed in the tom-toms by a paintball, or get in a screaming match with Tara Reid at an MTV 2 red carpet? How about Manu Ginobili smuggling exotic aphrodesiacs back into the States in belly condoms? C’mon, you don’t ALL have to be roll models, do you?
PRO SHOOTS OVER PAR, WINS TOURNEY
Angel Cabrera of Argentina won the US Open with a five-over-par 285, the highest Open score in history.Jeff Cez: The Oakmont groundskeepers tried everything to slow down the pros except Bill Murray blowing up gopher holes and passin’ out the good sensemilla. And it worked.
And yes, I was happy watching pros throw their hats and slam their putter shafts into their foreheads and say things like, “Aaaaoooghhaghhh!” It was quite satisfying.
TIP O’ THE CAP: TERRY HOEPPNER
Indiana University football coach Terry Hoeppner passed away tuesday morning after a long bout with brain cancer. Assistant coach Bill Lynch will take over the football program.Hoeppner walked the walk even when it hurt to walk - his motto, "Don't quit," isn't just some slogan he learned at a seminar, he lived it. His team has taken his motto to heart, a testament to how well he instilled values, not just x's and o's. Now THAT'S a coach. Hep, here's to your next Gatorade bath in heaven.
