Rags to Riches, a three-year-old filly, came charging hard down the home stretch, battled favored Curlin stride for stride and crossed the finish line a neck ahead to take the Belmont Stakes last Saturday. Rags started in on the champagne during the photo shoot, which apparently mixed poorly with her iron supplement, and she launched into a diatribe about how she no longer needed "scum-sucking men" in her life. After guzzling a pitcher of mimosas, she quickly dropped the blanket of carnations, ran naked through the paddock area and off the track grounds. Federal authorities did not expect Rags to know how to navigate the airport, but she snuck on a FedEx flight to Memphis, found John Daly, accused him of cheating on her, and took a steak knife to his face. Fortunately, without an opposable thumb she could not get an effective stabbing motion going. At the Smoky Barbecue Medical Center later that evening, Daly said he did not remember having an affair with Rags, but due to mind-boggling blackouts, could not rule it out.

Belgian dynamo Justine Henin won her fourth French Open title this past weekend, overwhelming Ana Ivanovic of Serbia in straight sets, 6-1, 6-2. Henin drank champagne from the trophy and immediately dropped the hyphened tag from her old name, Henin-Hardenne, then, flush with power, dove into the mini-bar in her Paris hotel suite and got so lit she stumbled into the streets, got a cab to the airport, hopped a transatlantic flight which she paid for in cash, landed in Memphis, Tennessee, took a cab to the St. Jude Classic and attacked John Daly with a steak knife. Daly said he did not remember having an affair with Henin, but due to crazy-blind blackouts, could not rule it out.