Scientists at the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, California have confirmed that the fight between Chicago Cubs catcher Michael Barrett and Pitcher Carlos Zambrano has triggered the actual physical phenomenon known as implosion and that as early as the All Star Break, most of the Cubs will be dead and many will have ben pulverized and literally disappeared in thin air. The phenomenon creates a negative energy source so strong it begins to collapse matter in on itself – a natural version of those cool demolitions of crappy old casino in Las Vegas. So far, Alfonso Soriano has already lost an arm to the negative force field and manager Lou Piniella has lost patches of hair and part of his sanity. The implosion may gain the strength of what is known in space circles as a “black hole,” which means it will not only suck itself inwards but actually begin sucking in things around it, most notably the Milwaukee Brewers, only 1 hour to the north.

Only a month after turning down the Kentucky job to stay at Florida, Billy Donovan got seduced by the NBA’s Orlando Magic with a tray of Jager shots and hot, sexy whispers about “bigger mountains” and suddenly took a midnight swamp boat out of Jacksonville and straight down to Dizlando. Can an entire institution get depressed? Can a whole school stay up two nights in a row consuming nothing but Twizzlers and quarts of Cherry Garcia and listening to Radiohead non-stop? Can a whole college campus take the Trans-Am to Orlando at 1am and just sit outside Donovan’s apartment building all night chain-smoking Marlboros, sipping bad coffee and staring demonically at his windows, hoping for a fleeting silhouette, wondering if it can muster the guts to get out of the car and walk up to the door and knock and knock and bang and then just shout, “Billy, get your ass out here, ‘cause I love you and you just can’t walk out on me like a little truck stop whore, Billliiiiiiieeee!” Apparently they can, and APPARENTLY IT WORKS! Donovan clearly still pined for the kind of sex he was gettin' from them Gators, so he CHANGED HIS MIND, reneged, and passed on the Hangover Of The Week to the Orlando Magic, who had to go and hire Stan Van Gundy.