Sick of waiting for authorities to enforce the animal cruelty laws against privileged ballplayers, American dogs have taken matters into their own paws and let loose a string of dog attacks. Chief culprit-Atlanta Falcons’ qb Michael Vick was cornered by a pack of shitzus in an Atlanta park who refused to fall for the old “fake throwing the tennis ball” gag and was subsequently nipped into a partial coma by the small shitzus, a process that took upwards of three hours. He was taken to If You Stopped The Bleedin’ With Bisquick, You Might Just Be A Redneck Medical Center in southeast Atlanta. In a frightening parallel, Vick’s chief defender in the press, Washington Redskins’ running back Clinton Portis, was dragged down from behind by a gang of huskies disguised as a hip-hop entourage and licked senseless. Portis was rushed to one of many Dick Cheney Emergency Defibrillator Centers in and around Washington, D.C. In addition, Portis’s interview sidekick, tackle Chris Samuels, was chased into the Eukanuba Dog Show in D.C. and forced at canine-point to groom a Pomeranian for over an hour.

This year’s Stanley Cup between the Anaheim Ducks and the Ottawa Senators should garner less television ratings than any Andy Richter sitcom ever. It will make the Tony Awards look like the final episode of “MASH.” “National Bingo Night” is breathing easy knowing it won’t be dead last in the ratings. John MacEnroe will actually be able to crow, “Hey, I got better numbers than that.” Here’s why: outside of the fact that hockey televises about as well as Richard Nixon in a tight debate, this Stanley Cup features the Ottawa Senators. Ottawa and its surrounding area has a population of just over a million, so it’s roughly the size of a Howard Stern appearance, or O’Hare airport during a blizzard. The Senators will face the Anaheim Ducks, who hail from an area of southern California considered so bland and unmotivated that BASEBALL decided to alter the name of its franchise there to include the geographic misnomer, “Los Angeles.” What diehard hockey fans might actually exist in these locations will be lured away from their TVs by these two simple phrases: “Surf’s up!” and “It’s finally warm out, ey.”