The NCAA officially moved the three-point line in college basketball back a foot to 20 feet, nine inches for the upcoming 2007-08 season, and riots broke out in several cities, with Detroit lighting itself on fire again. Two groups led the protests – college players and maintenance workers. An angry statement from the Future Marginal Pro Players of America said, “We don’t wanna be goin’ to no Turkey or Slovenia just to make a damn livin’ ballin’. Leave the line at 19, we’ll all get drafted higher and then hang on with Milwaukee for four years or some s#%t.” A spokesman for the Association of Arena Maintenance Workers dressed in a “Git ‘r Done” t-shirt and NASCAR belt buckle took a break from making molotov cocktails to state the organization’s official position: “How about keeping the line where it is but making the shot worth just 2 1/2 points? Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to repaint that line, and have a black one for the NBA and a friggin’ teal one for International and an orange one for college? We have fishing cabins to get to! What do you care if Duke beats Wake Forest 79-76 or 78 1/2-76?” But an odd yet formidable alliance came out against the 2 1/2 point idea: The NCAA, the Association of American Bookies and children under the age of seven who have not yet studied fractions.

What with Tank Johnson leaving prison and Pacman Jones speeding through another pile of manure, this was perhaps the most difficult “Hangover Of The Week” to pick maybe ever! But just two weeks after crowing that he’d essentially been “Stretched Straight” by a yoga regimen, Miami Dolphins running-back-for-maybe-another-ten-minutes Ricky Williams tested positive for marijuana. Again. On the bright side, he may singlehandedly prove that despite the “Reefer Madness” advocates, pot generally does not lead to heavier drugs – because if pot really did lead to more dangerous drugs, wouldn’t Ricky be shooting rhino horn powder and black tar heroin straight into his eyeball every ten minutes by now? Wouldn’t he be running naked down Avenue of the Americas in New York City, slash-cutting around taxis with only his Heisman tucked in his arm? He is officially Seven Tokes Over The Line, Sweet Jesus. Ricky, try a pack of clove cigarettes.