Queen Elizabeth II bolted from the back of the pack and overtook Home Spun and Street Sense to win the 133rd running of the Kentucky Derby. Elizabeth II, sired by George VI out of Liz Bowe-Lyons, spent her entire racing career in England, was figured by experts to be a factor only in damp fog or a full-on hard rain, and indeed she was dead last coming down the backstretch. But she seemed to find her footing on the far turn and shot a gap between the fading Scat Daddy and Stormello. At that point the colors of the House of Windsor were rustling in full breeze while Elizabeth, or as jockey Hector Machado calls her, “Easy E,” picked off horses in bunches until she caught the leaders. She then raced past Home Spun and fought stride for stride with Street Sense, nipping him at the wire by the brim of her gorgeous ecru mesh and pink be-ribboned hat. The Queen paid $36.20, $19.80 and $13.00. She’ll pass up the Preakness and retire to England for breeding purposes.

The Golden State Warriors became the first-ever eight seed to beat a one seed in the NBA playoffs, dusting off the Dallas Mavericks in only six games and sending the Mavs and obnoxo-dude owner Mark Cuban to the golf course for the summer. Cuban, whose nicknames with the sporting media range from “F$%ing A#%@ole” to “Luckiest Man Ever In The Entire History Of The World,” will henceforth not be seen again this season moaning behind the bench like a porcupine in heat and making so many faces even Blue Man Group said, “Man, slow down.” A spokesman for Cuban said to replace the lost media hype Cuban is considering starting a feud with Rosie O’Donnell.