This year's NFL Draft was so over-extended and went so much longer than any previous draft that teams ran out of actual college football players, forcing the Denver Broncos to draft ESPN analyst Mel Kiper, Jr. himself with the 734th pick overall. Kiper had had himself a little further up the draft board, citing 'tough hair' and 'coachable demeanor,' and thought he may go as high as Miami's pick in the 11th round, but the Dolphins used their 47th pick overall on MTV's Bam Margera. Green Bay was the next-likely home for Kiper, but the Packers traded a 15th round pick in '08 and two 23rd-round picks in '09 to Seattle to move up to Round 9 and select feisty talk-show pundit Stephen Colbert, who will join 14th-round pickup the Dixie Chicks in the Pack's revamped 3-4 defense. Colbert was the first non-jock picked, nearly getting the call ahead of hard-luck Notre Dame qb Brady Quinn. The Draft was also voted "Most Overhyped Event Since 'Reign Over Me'" by the National Association Of Barely Tolerable Publicists.

Milwaukee manager Ned Yost broke his collarbone on a morning lakeside jog in Chicago, ignored advice to get medical treatment and instead went to Wrigley Field with the busted bone and helped the Brewers beat the Cubs, 4-1. He even went through the postgame handshake line before hittin' the ER. The broken pavement on which Yost tripped is being held for questioning. "It wasn't broken yesterday," said a nearby oak tree, "that's all I'm sayin'." A park bench facing Lake Michigan said that several minutes before Yost jogged by, it heard "some kind of a breaking sound behind me, a 'snap-rumble' type sound," but moored by steel rebar, the bench couldn't flip around to see anything specific. Despite being largely inanimate, the sidewalk cement is considered a top suspect. It is a known fact most pavement in Chicago is rabid Cubs fans, because it knows what it feels like to be stepped on year after year after year after year after--