Barry Bonds hit his 740th home run Sunday against Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Yusmeiro Petit when he leaned into the box to bunt and had the ball careen off his ginormous forehead 400 feet into the right field bleachers. Authorities said the fan who caught the homer had enough Balco juice on his hands to add an inch to each bicep. Despite Bonds being only 15 homers away from the all-time record, there would be more positive hoopla surrounding a new stove from a German oven maker. Commenting on this media freeze-out, a San Francisco Giants spokesman said, “This is America, folks, and Bonds is innocent until proven guilty! Sure, there’s plans to tether his head via a system of ropes and pulleys and float it down Broadway during this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, and of course, his testicles have receded so deep they’re actually at the top of his strike zone, and why yes, he’s getting weirder and more reclusive than Captain Kurtz in ‘Apocalypse Now,’ but don’t nitpick this to death!”

Former sportscaster Keith Olbermann, who was kidnapped by news organization MSNBC some years ago and forced to appear nightly as a news pundit, somehow pulled the duct tape off his mouth, dove through a narrow bathroom transom, then ran naked except for a Van Heusen shirt and a bullhorn down New York’s Avenue Of The Americas and into the lobby of 30 Rockefeller Plaza, parent-network NBC’s headquarters and a place where New Yorkers routinely ignore anyone naked except for a shirt and a bullhorn. Olbermann demanded to be on a network that was in “more than six dozen homes nationwide.” Jittery NBC execs immediately ran downstairs and announced him as the newest member of their ‘Sunday Night Football’ coverage. In exchange, Olbermann will continue to be a voice for the political center/left on MSNBC but only after a new, ventilated studio is built. With over 900 viewers, his “Countdown” newscast outpaces Donny Deutch as the net’s top-rated show.