Zach Johnson, the 31-year-old Iowan who shocked the field at the Masters by refusing to fold down the stretch for a two- stroke victory, gave much credit to Jesus – and Jesus, to his credit, gave it back to Zach. “I haven’t carried a bag since Hale Irwin,” said the Man from Galilee, whose bulging discs have kept him from most physical activity the last few years, “so for Zach to give me the chance was nice. I was a little rusty, but I know everything, which made it easier.” Jesus not only gave Johnson the inside line on his chip-in birdie at #8, he also helped Johnson re-read the putt at #16 that dropped for a crucial birdie, and at one point, walked right on to Rae’s Creek to retrieve an errant ball. Satan, who had been caddying for Tiger Woods, was unavailable for comment.

It’s official - Ohio State freshman sensation Greg Oden is indeed – the missing Isley Brother.