Major League baseball continues to attempt to crack down on what could be a massive steroid scandal running rampant through the league, but a players’ union official sited an unintended source for Human Growth Hormone – cap manufacturers. “Has anybody bothered to look at them?” said an irate, edgy Jed Thurm, an attorney for the union who asked to remain nameless. “I mean, where’s the scrutiny there? Put anything in the lining of a cap and it’s absorbed directly through the forehead into the body in like, seconds, I’m pretty sure.” Thurm then suggested that cap manufacturers, who tend to have their operations overseas, could have easily been infiltrated by drug cartels, Victor Conti or any other former members of “Tower of Power.” Said Thurm, “How come when people get e coli, officials are all like, ‘Ooh, it must be an outside source like spinach,’ but when ballplayers’ heads start to get the size of a Macy’s parade balloon, they immediately blame the player?”

Basketball coach Tubby Smith has decided to leave the University of Kentucky and take over the troubled program at the University of Minnesota. With the exception of the day in ’71 when Ron Behagen and Corky Taylor knocked OSU’s Luke Witte and Alan Hornyak onto Wobble Boulevard, this could be the most famous day in Gopher basketball. Win 22 in Lexington and they cut off your Jim Beam; win 22 in Minneapolis and you’ll get elected Gopher State Guv. Nice move, Tub! Just remember, go to they hockey games and make friends. And, stop at an outlet mall, pick yourself up a GoreTex wardrobe.