ESPN college hoops announcers Dick Vitale and Digger Phelps will be arraigned Monday in Bristol, Connecticut on charges of sucking the lifeforce out of as many as seven young network announcers, whose blood-drained bodies were found under a “Speedweek” desk stored behind the network’s NCAA Tourney set. The 113-year-old Phelps said through his publicist that his “unique brand of boredom” deserved to be heard for eternity and any further questions should be directed to the lawyer who cut his deal with Satan. Vitale, at 121 the oldest person ever taken away in cuffs, had to be gagged with a “Silence Of The Lambs” mask to prevent him from continuing to yammer away about Ohio State’s ‘diaper dandies.’ Vitale may be the only man on the planet who could eventually frustrate all four hosts on “The View” – a fact authorities are mulling over as a tradeoff for the announcer to avoid the death penalty for the seven deaths: go on “The View” and talk and talk and talk until the women’s heads just explode one by one like the aliens in “Mars Attacks.” Could we film all of that? Now there’s something for ESPN’s “Instant Classics.”

Chicago Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson is going to jail for four months on a parole violation stemming from a 2005 gun charge. It has not been determined by authorities if they are going to send Johnson to real, butterknife-tattoo, 3am weightliftin’, stabbed-with-a-shiv-made-from-toenails, bucket-pissin’, Joliet kind of prison, or “27-hole, links-style, no cargo pants golf club with a high fence” jail, which unfortunately for Tank right now is full up with Cincinnati Bengals. If it’s real prison, experts agree the “I can get y’all good playoff tickets” riff is probably not going to prevent eventual forced-entry aggravated sodomy. Although, in Tank’s defense, isn’t sodomy ‘aggravated’ enough? What could make it worse, humming a Barry Manilow medley during it? In any event, Tank has fired the legal team that came up with his unsuccessful “skeet instructor” defense.