In an attempt to contain what experts call a raging epidemic that even Vice President Dick Cheney admits is “a speed bump under my Hummer,” President George W. Bush announced the deployment of 21,000 additional FBI and ATF agents to try and stop the execution of hundreds of thousands of illegal NCAA basketball betting pools. American journalists imbedded with US investigating units report the heavy betting is mostly prevalent two hundred miles south of the nation’s capital in a hot-zone area known locally as “Tobacco Road,” but maverick foreign correspondents for Reuters claim gambling insurgents – referred to by civilians as “poolistas” – are virtually everywhere, fanning embers into flames across the countryside and threatening an all-out moral war. A recent government press conference touting the break-up of a pool involving “thousands” in the northeast proved to be in actuality a motor pool for Dunkin Donuts employees. The government regrets the inconvenience.

CBS college hoops analyst Billy Packer insists that this year may be the toughest year ever to try and predict the NCAA basketball tournament, due to parity of the mid-majors, a paucity of consistency at the top of the rankings, a rash of injuries, no clear dominant team and an upper respiratory infection that’s keeping Dick Vitale from alienating entire conferences and fueling motivation. Despite Packer's claims, a rocket scientist at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories north of Pasadena, California, was able to fill out his entire bracket in about 7 minutes, although he did have JPL winning a first round game despite the fact they are not in the tourney, have no team and are not a Division I teaching facility. “I’m willing to take that loss statistically,” said the egghead with a wry smile, “it’s what we call in the quantum mechanics lab, ‘a joke.’”