The monkey Peyton Manning got off his back by winning Super Bowl XLI with the Indianapolis Colts has still been unable to find work, according to sources at the Department of Health and Human Services. The monkey was briefly added to several monkeys already on Britney Spears’ back, but was quickly removed in detox when Spears complained of a bulging disc. The monkey had also been on the plane to Boston to join the Celtics when the Celts ended their 18-game losing streak and nearly made it into the Duke locker room just moments before the Blue Devils ended their 4-game slide. His trip to Los Angeles to join the team of monkeys that had been on Martin Scorsese’s back was also cut short. Several animal rights groups have offered to tend for the monkey until the Chicago Cubs begin their season in a month.

Health officials have warned attendees of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue Party in LA Feb. 14 they may have been exposed to Hepatitis A through a caterer. Symptoms include fever, fatigue, loss of appetite, abdominal pain and jaundice. Okay, A – that’s the way most models look anyway, and B – that’s the way I feel every day, so any east coast visitors, just “man up” for a couple weeks in your suite at the Four Seasons. The simple fact is you can get fever and fatigue just DRIVING to a party in LA, so don’t go haulin’ your ass to UCLA Medical Center just yet, okay Nancy Boy? I pee hemoglobin just from breathing the air out here. I will say this - you’ve got to hand it to ‘en – What a party! – get Hep A from the food and Hep C from a skank model. When did Larry Flynt buy SI?