HOCKEY COACH FINED FOR SNAPPY DIALOGUE
Buffalo Sabres coach Lindy Ruff was fined $10,000 by the NHL for sending three tough guys to the ice with instructions to “run ‘em” after one of his players took an uncalled elbow to the head from an Ottawa Senator, leading to a brawl.Jeff Cez: Okay, first – gotta love sport that still has room for a guy named “Lindy.” Second – there’s plenty worse phrases that could cause a fine – “I did not have sex with that woman,” “There’s weapons of mass destruction there,” “I’m Anna Nicole’s baby’s father,” “Hey, Sugart*%s,” “New York is Hymietown.” None of those guys got fined. Heck, Michael Richards didn’t even get fined. Where’s the NHL brass when you need ‘em?
'PACMAN' MISTAKES MONEY FOR CONFETTI
Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones had another brush with the law when $81,000 of his money used to shower strippers at a Vegas club was taken by the strippers’ manager. Jones claims the money was “for effect.” The dough is currently in police custody.Jeff Cez: Look, there’s some major rules of business you just never violate – “buy low – sell high,” “diversify your portfolio,” and “if you throw money at a stripper – it’s hers.” In fact, at a place not known for ethics, that may be the only one. A singular ethic, if that’s grammatically possible, one lonely, proud, noble ethic at a strip club – money hits the runway, it’s hers. Besides, you really want to take back money that’s gone through multiple strippers’ hands and undies – and worse, their MANAGER’S hands?! Whew! Pass the Purell!
ZAGS PLAYER UP ON 'SHROOMS CHARGE. WAY UP.
Gonzaga center Josh Heytvelt has been charged with felony possession of a controlled substance for having just over an ounce of hallucinogenic mushrooms in his car. Heytvelt faces five years in prison and a $10,000 fine.Jeff Cez: Felony, seriously? Five years? C’mon, how can a kid in college in WASHINGTON be nailed for ‘shrooms? That’s why you go to college in Washington! If you want to be a tight-ass in the Pacific Northwest you go to BYU, everybody knows that. It’s a well known fact that the Pittsburgh Pirates’ Doc Ellis pitched a no-hitter on acid. Admittedly, he wasn’t driving at the time, but then fine, issue Heytvelt a citation for driving 9 in a 65mph zone and let him go home and watch Japan anime til nine in the morning while sucking the filling out of a bag of Combos. He wasn’t selling them to kids at a lemonade stand, he was in the privacy of his Chevy Blazer. Which, if you’ve ridden in, you know you need ‘shrooms just to even out the ride.
