In an attempt to counter Sports Illustrated’s immensely popular once-a-year, medium-hard-core French porno swimsuit issue, ESPN The Magazine has premiered a new heart-tugging Mitch Albom story, “If It’s February, This Must Be Heaven.” ESPN The Magazine is so titled to help fans avoid confusion with ESPN the broadcast network. The Magazine comes in a traditional “ink on paper” printed form, while the Network appears on your television set through the magic of satellite and digital technology, so it’s easy to see how the two could be confused. Anyway – Albom’s story centers on a successful sportswriter-turned-author out on a book tour who falls in love with a simple Luddite Wisconsin farm girl when his car breaks down in Heaven, a remote town north of Eau Claire. He’s drawn to this beautiful woman because, in her insular innocence – no internet or television - she reads his entire literary output in 14 minutes. Only then does he realize he’s essentially written a total of just three chapters in what would be considered an “old-timey” Russian-author kind of novel and that his evil publisher has been printing the work in large type on small pages to make it stretch.

CBS Super Bowl analyst and former Denver Bronco Shannon Sharpe is reportedly still finishing up several of his thoughts regarding the Indianapolis Colts’ win over the Chicago Bears in this year’s Super Bowl. Neighbors of Sharpe in his exclusive suburban enclave have complained about the continuous vocal volume coming from Sharpe’s home. “I yearn for the days that the therapist lived there with the kid who had the Neo-Goth rock band,” said a neighbor who requested anonymity because she did not want her skull crushed. In addition, the restaurant in Sharpe’s town he frequents often has recently had to ask him to leave. “’Mumble’ is not in his lexicon,” said the maitre’d, who added, “We’ve got a series of mirrors in the bar and he would talk to them as if they were other announcers, and wow, it was creepy. Kinda destroys your appetite.” While he did agree with Sharpe’s point that the rain during the Super Bowl actually was a huge factor, he said, “who wants to hear that in the middle of a martini buzz with the volume nob turned to 10? Somebody slip him a Vicodin, I’m down 50% in foot traffic.”