The Indianapolis Colts and hot-foot quarterback Peyton Manning finally prevailed over the Chicago Bears, XXVIV-XVII, in Super Bowl XLI. The Roman numerals give the game much more weight and everyone knows using the actual number “41” is sooo white trash. The game itself proved to be mildly interesting, like an episode of "Ghost Whisperer" where the plot sucks but Jennifer Love Hewitt is in a low-cut dress and falling down a lot because a ghost keeps twisting her arm hard. God, who clearly had money on the under, tried to help the game along with a steady downpour of moldy rain. Unfortunately, that just exposed a heretofore-undetected glaring technical weakness in the CBS television coverage: despite gyro-cams and rocket dollies and over 140 (CXL) camera positions, no one brought a Swiffer to wipe raindrops off the lenses. The Bears’ Devin Hester ran the opening kickoff back LXLII yards for a score, and a little piece of you knew, just KNEW it was gonna be all downhill from there, didn't ya? The game’s one historic first – not one but two black head coaches in the Super Bowl – was immediately offset by CBS’s Jim Nantz and Phil Simms, the whitest announcing team in history. But I made the old-fashioned Lipton’s onion soup dip, and it rocked.

Remarks by victorious Super Bowl head coach Tony Dungy that his Colts won as a “Christian team” have caused a rift between the Jesus-backing team and some of its non-Christian Indy fans. “I didn’t figure he’d jump up and say, ‘All praise Allah,’” said a Muslim fan disguised as a frat boy for his own safety, “but he’s kind of rubbin’ my face in it. They didn’t ask my religion when they took my money for this Marvin Harrison jersey.” A Jewish fan who was wearing the same Harrison jersey but who said he’d found it on clearance for 40% off added, “I snuck out of Tu B’Shevat services Saturday to fly down and cheer them on and then I have this Jesus thing shoved in my face like a plate of fatty undercooked bacon!” And a very perturbed agnostic fan said, “F*%^ this s@#$! This is a load of horse@%$&! Vodka tonic, straight up!” Jesus released a statement saying, “If he loved me so much, why didn’t he kick a field goal down there at the end, ‘cause I had the ‘over at 47 1/2?! God and his stupid RAIN.”