ESPN has recently added several new announcers to their Sportscenter rotation. Of course, if this simple news item was actually on Sportscenter itself, it would be written and read more like this by any one of the 2000 snarky Kilborn wannabes: “There was a time when sports announcers were much like the classic ‘Dragnet’ character Detective Joe Friday – square-jawed tough guys who doled out ‘just the facts, ma’m,’ and little else. No more. In this day and age when you can text message your carmel macchiatto order to your favorite barista while nudging your Segway past a Sephora grand opening and right on up to the wi-fi counter at said coffeehouse, people want their sports news with a side of frothy whipped cinnamon embellishment. That embellishment comes at a price, folks – a half-hour sportscast can now take one of our tribe at least four hours to write, edit and spellcheck – not to mention the extra hour to recover from reading such demanding copy. But it appears the great and wonderful mothership ESPN has indeed come up with a solution – hire more athletic-minded troubadours to help spread the word. So as of today, we have swelled our ranks by an additional eight. Enjoy them, as we do every day. (slight head turn to other announcer)…Rod?” For the love of God please, once in a while, SHUT UP AND READ THE SCORE.

Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders hired USC offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin, 31, as their new head coach. Davis has liver spots older than Kiffin but felt he could still relate to the much younger coach, and quickly proved it by making a BeeGees reference and high-fiving his oxygen tank nurse. Upon hearing word of the news conference, Missing Children’s organizations pulled Kiffin’s photo off of milk cartons. This may not be a bad move for Kiffin – if you’re gonna pair up with Julia Roberts, why not at least be Lyle Lovett? He’ll get ‘em to 8-8, they’ll find his car teetering on a hairpin overhang above the Oakland bluffs, he’ll check into rehab and with any luck at all he’ll be coaching the Redskins by 2009. The press conference was by held by candlelight at 3am in a cave off the coast of Carmel with Davis hanging upside down from a stalagtite, but club officials simply said Davis was at a “new, hip, nocturnal spa.”