The NFL wild card situation became so complicated this weekend that in all wild card games, the teams played only one quarter and then had their captains sit down with the dealer from “Celebrity Poker” and cut cards to determine the winner. The New York Jets cut only a four of spades and got spanked by the Patriots’ Tom Brady, who calmly cut down to a jack of hearts. The other AFC matchup went down to the wire when the Kansas City Chiefs appeared to win with an ace of diamonds, only to have the cut challenged by the Indianapolis Colts. Replays showed that indeed the Chiefs’ Trent Green had initially had his finger and thumb on a seven of clubs and dropped it as he pulled off the deck, giving the Colts the win. In the NFC the Seattle Seahawks and Dallas Cowboys went three overtimes, cutting identical nines and then identical threes, before the Seahawks cut a queen to win the longest card-cutting game in NFL history.

Florida crushed Ohio State 41-14 in the BCS football championship Monday and the formerly No.#1 Buckeyes were immediately charged with three counts of manslaughter by the Phoenix District Attorney’s office for the deaths of three sports bar patrons who slid off barstools and fell to their deaths. It may have been the new OSU uniform - the entire Buckeye squad wore red sweater vests over their jerseys and button-down white collars under their shoulder pads, adding Docker-style pleats to the tops of their pants as well. In addition, skill players also donned reading glasses that they slid down near the end of their noses, alternating between looking through the glasses and looking over the tops of the glasses. The overall effect was so mind-numbing and grampa-like that the Buckeyes actually put themselves to sleep.