In the wake of last week’s gun search and nightclub shooting, Chicago police returned to the home of Bears’ defensive tackle Tank Johnson and were surprised to unearth a fully operational U.S. Army tank. “Dat’s not true, nuttin’ serprisses usss,” said Chicago detective Peter “Pete” Pozcewoliewski, “unnerstoot?” The tank, an official M1A1 Abrams Main Battle Tank, was found under what in retrospect could only be termed an oddly large pile of pillow cushions. “We misst ‘er da first time trew da haus ‘cuss of da pillosss had lotsa cute Christmas crap sewn on ‘em, like, ‘Sanna likes ya whin yer naughty!’, stuff like dat,” added Pozcewoliewski. That’s da tird time in less than a week that Tank Johnson was involved in a fracas involving the law. “Ya see?” said Pozcewoliewski, “dis is why we godda do dese searchisss, hahh? Least nobody was shot, hey?” Johnson insists the tank had been modified to fire only Marshmallow Fluff.

It’s official – the Cincinnati Bengals now have more people in legal hot water than the Bush Administration. The Bengals tally is up to eight and in fact, the front office is trying to engineer a trade with the Chicago Bears to obtain Tank Johnson and push the total to nine. The traditional orange jumpsuit distributed to prisoners across this great land of ours will now be modified to include asymmetric black stripes so that the suits may more closely resemble the Bengals’ helmets and uniform stripes. Nicholas Cage is rumored to be developing a movie script in which he plays a Bengal who escapes with several other Bengals during a routine prison transfer and then makes amends to society by saving Christmas.