After writing this weekend that the 11-1 University of Wisconsin football team was “an absolute fraud,” Kansas City Star sports columnist Jason Whitlock was cut off from all dairy product supply lines and has been without any calcium-enriched milk and milk byproducts since. Whitlock became aware of the embargo Sunday morning when he attempted to have his usual double bowl of Count Chocula only to find his milk had been stolen. On trips to three grocery stores Whitlock saw his own mug shot posted behind the register with an America’s Dairlyand Warning, “Do Not Sell Dairy Products To This Man.” Whitlock then tried to circumvent the embargo by ordering a triple-cheese breakfast burrito from Taco Bell, but an alert drive-thru clerk snatched the bag back just at the point of handoff, manually removed the cheese and replaced it with more unspecified meat byproduct. Whitlock collapsed from weak bones and yellow teeth Tuesday morning and was rushed to KC Masterpiece Medical Center and placed in a soy mist tent in hopes of stabilizing him.

Dallas Cowboys’ head coach Bill Parcells was criticized last week for releasing All-Pro placekicker Mike Vanderjagt, who was struggling through a tougher stretch than Donnie Rumsfeld, and picking up 71-year-old Martin Gramatica to do his placekicking. But Parcells was vindicated when Gramatica defibrillated himself, came off the bench and kicked the game-winner as the Cowboys beat the Giants, 23-20. There was a reported siting of a man who looked morose and dull with a truck stop haircut, like Vanderjagt, watching the ball game from a corner tavern in Dallas but could not be confirmed. Vanderjagt is no doubt kicking himself for his poor performance but probably missing his ass wide right.