The University of Wisconsin marching band has opted out of future football halftime shows and will replace the Red Hot Chili Peppers on the current national Lollapalooza tour effective immediately. The Marching Badgers, were censured and put on probation by the University for hazing, lewd conduct, inappropriate sexual touching, coercion, binge drinking, intimidation, and occasionally playing flat – the exact traits that allow them to plug right into Lollapalooza. The Badgers will have to travel with seven buses but will save the tour money because they have zero amplification needs. “We normally initiate new bands who come on the Lollapalooza tour by holding a gnarly-ass drinkslam and then we perform sick crap on ‘em,” said a tour roadie, “but quite frankly, these guys scare the s*%t out of us, so we’re just gonna let ‘em play. Besides, there’s like two hundred of the f$*kers. In spats. And bellman’s hats.” The Marching Badgers will also be counted on to provide good pot and top-quality cheese plates for pre- and post-show green rooms.

This Monday night the University of Miami Hurricanes and the Florida International University Whatever The Hell Their Names Are finally concluded a brawl started during Saturday’s football game between the two schools. The schools, 9 miles apart physically and over 9 million miles apart in football tradition, went at it for over 12 hours after the game concluded, got censured by both University administrations, kept pummeling each other through Sunday, got severely sanctioned by several national governing bodies for intercollegiate sports, kept bitch-slapping each other through Monday afternoon and finally called it quits Monday night after both teams’ cleats were too dulled to continue. It’s official – Florida is the most whacked out place on the planet. There’s a reason that state is in the shape of a weenie. If you don’t like the weather in Miami, wait ten minutes and … someone will come along and shoot you and it won’t matter any more. Let the Semester Break Drive-bys begin!