Tennessee Titans defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth is in the final stages of preparation to open his own winery, according to Sportalicious! reporters disguised as ineffective Tennessee Titans defensive backs. Haynseworth, who showed remarkable dexterity and a dancer’s nimbleness in stomping the head of Dallas Cowboy center Andre Gurode, will most probably emphasize the white grapes with an eye toward eventually producing a zinfandel with a piquant, woody aura. If acreage allows, he’ll also try a Chablis with a fruity heart and confident tang. The winery will be called “Anger Management Wines.” Haynesworth will stomp the grapes himself. In a related story, Gurode announced he will drink only beer from here on out.

The Detroit Tigers lost their last five games of the season, the closer in spectacular fashion, and relinquished the American League Central crown to the Minnesota Twins on the last day of the season. Not since the ABC sitcom “Emily’s Reasons Why Not” has anything closed so poorly. In addition to losing the division crown, they Tigers lost momentum, home field advantage, good parking spaces, frequent flyer miles, rollover minutes, at least 30,000 friends on MySpace, Hertz Gold Club status, their Costco Membership and their Starbucks’ “Caf-free” cards. On the heels of Michigan State’s stunning collapse to both Notre Dame and Illinois the last two weeks, Michigan area suicide hotlines have added the call-waiting feature to all lines.