After losing at home to the struggling Green Bay Packers, the 0-3 Detroit Lions announced they would, as a group, attend family counseling sessions at Detroit's famed Delco Transmission Medical Center. After a brief post-game intervention Sunday, two Delco psychologists recommended to Lions' head coach Rob Marinelli that the entire team including the practice squad and especially the assistant coach who got drunk and drove around naked attend a group counseling session from 2pm to 5pm Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. "We may as well," said a Lions' player, "practice ain't gettin' us nowhere." The player asked to remain nameless and in fact spoke to a Sportalicious source only after signalling him with a red flag in a potted plant on the deck of his high-rise condo and then meeting him in a nearby parking garage with a lit cigarette. Lions general manager Matt Millen, who's seen three of his last four first-round draft picks traded or dropped from the roster this year, was unavailable for comment and reports said he had retreated to an underground bunker with his mistress Eva and his pet cat.

Notre Dame overcame a 16-point fourth quarter deficit Saturday to beat host Michigan State 40-37 in what would normally be considered a great comeback. Unfortunately, the Irish's opponent was the Spartans, who truly seem to collapse in the same fashion both inside a game and throughout an entire season year after year after year. They are easier to read than "USA Today," their collapses as predictable as a bamboo hut goin' down in a Caribbean hurricane. By comparison they make an out-of-work actress seem stable. New coaches, new players new schemes, doesn't matter - the Spartans will inevitably, inexorably, crush someone they shouldn't, lose one so tragically it would make Marilyn Manson cry, and then just absolutely step in front of a bus somewhere around Week 7. Could the artificial turf be seeping some chemical that causes self-doubt or some sort of group A.D.D.? Perhaps the stadium is built on the burial ground of an Indian tribe that had lousy autumn hunts. I still love their color scheme, though. Long live George Perles.