FEDERER BEATS RODDICK, ALMOST SWEATS
Roger Federer beat American Andy Roddick in straight sets to win the U.S. Open tennis championship.Jeff Sez: Roger’s an ice sculpture out there. He makes that lead singer from “Coldplay” look he’s on Red Bull. Federer’s 25 and he’s got nine slam championships already. When I was 25 I had juuuust squeeked out a passing grade in my “Beginners Swimming For Adults” class. I like to rag on tennis, but alright, this guy may be the best of all time. However, I will not stop ragging on tennis.
KAHNE IN, STEWART OUT OF FAKE NASCAR RACEOFF
Thanks to some fancy racin’ in the Rock & Roll 400, Kasey Kahne eked by teammate Tony Stewart for the tenth and final spot in the NASCAR Chase field for the Nextel Cup.Jeff Sez: Pardon me for havin’ a little Mike Judge-level skepticism here, but what now is all this corporate ruckus about? The Left Turn Continues?! How do you NOT end the season on something called “The Rock & Roll 400?” Big Dough to be made I guess, so the boys zip up the jumpsuits and hook up the colostomy bags and race on for the prestigious Nextel Cup, which celebrates the rich, longstanding partnership between southern good ol’ boy stock car racin’ and, uh, cell phones.
BONDS' GIANT HEAD MAY NOT FIT UNDER GIANTS’ CAP
San Francisco Giants owner Peter Magowan admitted the team and slugger Barry Bonds may be very far apart on a contract that would keep Bonds in San Francisco.Jeff Sez: Dude’s 24 from Hammerin’ Hank’s record and he might have to swing the hickory for the Devil Rays next season. That’s what a steroid scandal will do for you. “That ball’s deep, deep, there it is! Number 756 for Bonds! And the Hanshin Tigers now lead the Yomiuri Giants 6-5!”
GRATUITOUS NEARLY NAKED SPORTALICIOUS! GIRL HAS TO SWITCH TO THE WIRE!
Due to scheduling conflicts, the completely gratuitous stolen hot girl photo Sportalicious! normally runs on its front page has had to move to The Wire section.Jeff Sez: Hey, we’re still stealin’ it, and we’re still runnin’ it, and you’re still oglin’ it while your boss stands in your cubicle entrance and says, “Did you run those spreadsheets yet?” It returns to the front page as soon as I sell enough DVDs to break even, dammit.
