The Green Bay Packers were shut out by the Chicago Bears Sunday, 26-0, and the only upside in Green Bay was no drunk people were injured trying to do pushups for every point the Packers scored. It marked the first time Packer quarterback Brett Favre was shut out in his sixteen-year career, and Favre’s lawyers immediately sent seven of his best hunting dogs in search of a legal loophole in his contract. Favre’s personal doctor insists the QB knocked his head on a mailbox as he hung out the window of his SUV on Sunday drive just prior to his decision to re-up for one more year in Green Bay and has literally been in a walking coma since. “He thinks he’s in a Pee Wee Herman movie,” said Dr. Lawrence Cough, who asked to remain anonymous, “he can breathe and walk and kinda shave, but his brain is essentially asleep.” Cough said he was taking Favre immediately to the Awwright Now Not So Fast Medical Center on the campus of Louisiana Tech University for further study. No explanation yet on what type of coma the rest of the Packers were in.

Detroit Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen was picked up by Dearborn, Michigan police, for driving while nude. As local newscasters are fond of saying, “Alcohol may have been involved.” Cullen had no explanation for the lack of clothes, and Sportalicious! can only speculate it had something to do with the humidity. A mere week police stopped Cullen again and they determined he had a blood-alcohol content of 0.12 percent, 50% higher than Michigan’s legal limit, though on this particular stop he at least was wearing some form of basic men’s apparel. Cullen, who prior to the Lions’ job had coached at the University of Illinois during its recent cellar-dwelling downswing, attributed the heavy drinking and unpredictable behavior to the fact he coached at Illinois during its recent cellar-dwelling downswing. Lions president Matt Millen issued a statement from the organization claiming Cullen has requested treatment. Millen read the statement while driving nude out of Lions’ headquarters. No word yet from Millen on a possible apology for what he’s done to the Lions.