Andre Agassi lost in the third round of the U.S. Open at Forest Hills this weekend, officially retired, and then a mere two days later came out of retirement and was signed to a 1-year deal by the New England Patriots. The Pats plan to play the 51-year-old Agassi at linebacker next to 53-year-old Junior Seau. Agassi, who understandably got teary-eyed leaving center court at Forest Hills Sunday, inexplicably cried at the New England signing conference as well. Agassi’s wife, retired tennis great Steffi Graf, was preparing to buy a brand-new parka and re-decorate a skybox at Gillette Stadium when the Patriots suddenly signed HER to a one-year deal as well. Head coach Bill Belichick said he would occasionally spell Tom Brady with Graf, and also use her on punt returns. In addition, Belichick announced the Pats had obtained the rights to the cryogenically frozen heads of Hank Stram and Sid Gillman, both of which would be pressed into scouting duties immediately.

Colorado State University officials banned from all future football games the sing-a-long of a recently-resurrected tune written by a former athletic director because the lyrics weren’t ‘family-friendly.’ Everyone knows the coolest old people are the ones who sneak around when your parents aren't looking and tell you crazy-ass jokes and sneak you a beer and then laugh at themselves when they slip on the ice and fall on their ass. This is a song written by one of those types of people. His name is Thurman “Fum” McGraw, a former three-sport athlete and athetic director at CSU. I wish he were alive so I could buy him a Cuban cigar and a Guinness and let him tell some hilarious ancient jokes. And any modern-day parent who has their adolescent at a CSU game and can’t find a way to explain these lyrics without freaking out and sprinting to the nearest church should slap themselves silly. C’mon, Ward Cleaver can do it, so can you! If you can’t sing this song in college, where the hell CAN you sing it?!

HERE’S THE LYRICS… (CSU = Aggies, Boulder = rival U. of Colorado, CC = Colorado College, DU = Denver University). VOTE RIGHT NEXT DOOR!

FUM'S SONG
I'll sing you a song of college days
And tell you where to go
Aggies' where knowledge is,
Boulder spends your dough.


C.C. for your sissy boys,
Utah for your times,
D.U. for your ministers,
For drunkards, School of Mines


Don't send my boy to Wyoming U.,
A dying mother said;
Don't send my boy to Brigham Young,
I'd rather see him dead,


But send him to the ole Aggies,
'Tis better than Cornell,
Before I'd see him in Boulder,
I'd see my son in Hell!