Junior Seau’s brief retirement came to an abrupt end when a giant stone was rolled away from the entrance to his tomb and he rose back up to walk among the living after three full days of career death. As Seau walked out, a blinding light emanated from virtually everywhere, paving the way for the former stud linebacker to walk through the stone portal breathing the air of life into his lungs and passing through a throng of his devout followers on his way to a nearby Hyatt, where he signed with the New England Patriots. And yea, verily, his 11 disciples (five lawyers, an agent, two assistants, a trainer, a nutritionist and a full-time employee whose whole job is to deny any steroid use) followed Seau to the Hyatt and were astounded at the riches that awaited them. At that point Seau turned five Hyundai Accents into 20 Cadillac Escalades and ascended to the front cabin of a Lear Jet.

The Boston Red Sox lost four in a row to the New York Yankees at home this weekend, plunging them 5 and 1/2 games back in the AL East and more importantly into a depression that would make Woody Allen look like a Mormon. For several innings of each game the Sox fielded only six men while others attended the premiere weekend showings of internet buzz champ movie, “Snakes On A Plane.” Meanwhile, the Beantown bullpen was preoccupied, having just been appointed legal counsel to John Mark Karr, the new crazed fake lead suspect in theten-year-old case of JonBenet Ramsey being murdered by her mom. The bullpen gave up 11 earned runs as they scrambled to fight Karr’s extradition from Thailand. Official Sportalicious! Sports News Timeout: Does it bother anyone else that Karr’s home address is officially listed as “the red light district of Bangkok, Thailand?!”