Brent Ehrler pocketed the $500,000 dollar first prize in the Walmart FLW bass fishing contest on Alabama’s Lake Logan Martin this past weekend, reeling in a final-round tally of five bass totaling just a shade over 15 pounds. This weekend I had the Verizon guy over to the house and he and I tried to find out what was shorting out our phone jacks, and though I guaran-frickin’-tee you I sweat more than Brent Ehrler and strained more muscles than Brent Ehrler and did not have a chance to sip an ice cold Miller Genuine Draft while I worked like Brent Ehrler might’ve done, I personally made zero dollars. The Verizon guy pocketed a cool $110 for his efforts. We did, however, find the short, and the first thing I’m doing is calling some friends and learning how to bass fish.

Beleaguered Tour de France winner Floyd Landis failed French authorities’ third and final test – a taste test at Fouquette’s Bistro on the Champs Elysses. According to head judge Thierry BonFleu, Landis’s pee tasted like “a very light American lager made with good ingredients, with a hint of oregano and the unmistakable aftertaste of lavender .” These are apparently the exact flavors that accurately reflect steroid use, so Landis will undoubtedly be stripped of his Tour championship – but his pee, according to BonFleu, “goes phenomenally well with fois gras” and is currently going for $200 a litre at the bistro. The Tour crown will be given to the second-place finisher until his pee tastes like lavender, then the third-place finisher, and on until a rider can be found who’s pee just tastes like pee, which should happen around rider #47.